Why Self-Compassion Was a Game Changer for Me

I began my mindfulness journey almost accidentally. By 2003, I was in a form of recovery from addiction. I’d managed to become what you might call a fairly productive member of society. But if I’m honest, I was still trapped in my mind. My behaviours were less self-destructive, but I was often plagued by crippling anxiety and paranoia. I could function, but I wasn’t thriving.

Before 2003, my life wasn’t aligned with anything meaningful to me. Most days, I was locked away in a flat, and mostly asleep. Looking back, it was a combination of luck and the unwavering support of people who loved me that helped me transform my life beyond anything I could have imagined. And as I reflect on that transformation, it’s clear that it has continued to grow and evolve in ways I never thought possible.

That said, much of my change in those early days wasn’t driven by conscious choices. It was more of a survival instinct than a meaningful pursuit. I was simply desperate to escape the deep pain I carried. Moving away from that stuck place wasn’t a deliberate act of courage—it was survival. But survival changes are still changes, and they set the foundation for everything that came after.

The Lightbulb Moment with the ACT Matrix

Fast forward to 2009, when I was introduced to the ACT Matrix. It felt like a lightning bolt had hit me. It was as if I’d always known what it was teaching, but had never truly seen it before. The Matrix helped me see my mind clearly, and more importantly, it showed me that I am not my mind. It opened up a new understanding: that the present moment holds far more potential than anything my mind could create.

This realisation was freeing, but also unsettling. Becoming more aware of my mind’s ingrained habits—the fears, anxieties, and patterns I’d been trapped in—wasn’t easy. Awareness was a double-edged sword. On one hand, it gave me the ability to notice what was happening without being consumed by it. On the other hand, I sometimes used that awareness as another stick to beat myself with.

I made mindfulness another "fix-it" tool. I thought if I could just practice enough, if I could just meditate enougfht, I could eliminate my unwanted inner experiences. You can probably guess how that went—it didn’t. Instead, my struggles intensified. The word acceptance became tricky for me. My mind tried to "accept" unpleasant thoughts and feelings, but with an ulterior motive: to get rid of them. That hidden agenda only deepened my frustration.

The Shift to Self-Compassion

And then came self-compassion—a true game changer. When I began practicing self-compassion, it wasn’t about fixing or eliminating anything. It was about meeting my inner struggles with care. Slowly, I learned to be kind to the parts of myself I’d been secretly trying to reject.

This shift was profound. It helped me see that my anxiety, my fear, my inner critic—they didn’t need to be enemies. They were parts of me that needed understanding and kindness, not rejection. Self-compassion wasn’t about solving the problem; it was about holding space for myself, even when things felt difficult or messy.

What I’ve Learned

Looking back, the combination of mindfulness, the ACT Matrix, and self-compassion has given me tools that I continue to use and grow with. Mindfulness taught me to notice. The ACT Matrix helped me see that I am not my mind. And self-compassion taught me to meet myself with kindness, even when my mind felt overwhelming.

If there’s one thing I’ve taken from this, it’s that transformation isn’t about perfection or even about “fixing” ourselves. I am not broken as much as my mind liked to tell me I was. It’s about learning to be with ourselves as we are and finding the courage to move toward what truly matters.